It is a true pleasure to be here tonight at the shire in celebration of Sam Wise and Rosie Cotton, as they come together as conjoined hobbits in front of us orcs, Knights of Gondor, and Dwarves from Iron Hill. My same is Gandalf the Grey, and my brother-in-law, Frodo, asked me to say a few words tonight to celebrate the coming together of two families. Or was it Nikki? It’s hard to tell the two of them apart.
I’m Bryan, actually, son of a Butch, and we Crandalls are keeping tally on how many times we might make my dad cry tonight (but who is going to let Karal out?). In truth, I’m the brother of the mother-of-the-bride, Cynde, and brother-in-law of the father-of-the Bride, Mr. Mike Isgar. Yes, it is true that Mike and Frodo Baggins share the same hands, just ask Dave, my other brother-in-law. It’s been proven over the years from many a deck party. They are the same hands inherited by my niece, Nicole Nicolai Nickerdoodles Nikki-beans Isgar, who has proudly taken on a new name this evening. All of us on our side are looking forward to her days ahead as a Benigni, so that we can go to the beach together and order sandwiches.
See, she can then be Nikki Benigni in a Bikini serving us a Panini sandwich. Wait, what’s that Sean? What are you saying, Jacob? Chitunga, you have a request, too? You’d rather have a Hoffman hotdog on the beach? It’s all good, we can make that happen, because your cousin Nikki Benigni can now serve you a grilled weenie on a Panini in her bikini at the beach.
I probably should do the karma clap, Fred. I’m thinking of you looking down from above. Leave my granddaughter alone. Nikki is just Nikki, just as Dylan is just Dylan. Bryan, you just be, Bryan.
So, I will. And I am.
I was asked to take the microphone tonight to bring friends and families together and to lighten the mood in case nobody wanted to do the electric slide on the dance floor. I was given strict, strict orders not to mention Goldbergs, so I’ll just tell you, Nikki, that Papi Butch and I got gas yesterday…at BJs. It was under $3 and we filled the tank actually.
Yes, I represent the tar-making Crandalls, ½ half of Nikki’s bloodline -- the nervous and insecure side -- and note we’re not very Cransharp; We’re actually quite Cran-dull. We also extend to the Barngoods of Fayetteville-Manlius, and now that Casey has spent 23 years with Dave, 20 years married with two beautiful boys, it’s easy to say they Barnwell, actually.
And of course, our family was fused with the Isgars many years ago, too…Paula and Tim, and their pain in the ass little brother, Mike, the one who has Frodo hands. At this point, I’m sure he’s struggling with my speech because it’s not all about him, Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike. Instead, it’s all about Nikki & Adamo, which, Adamo, I’m sure you probably know by now is all about Nikki Nikki Nikki Nikki Nikki. Yes, it’s always been about Mike, but then Nikki came along.
I mean, I have vivid memories of trying to celebrate Godzilla cupcakes on Dylan’s dinosaur birthday where Nikki would take center stage waving a sparkle wand and wearing the diamond-studded crowns of a Queen in her pink tutus. Poor Dylan couldn’t even burn down Tokyo with his fire breath, before she’d shove him out of the way as if she was on So You Think You Can Dance, performing to “Holla Back” in their living room with Gwen Stefani --- all eyes on her. Or was that Please Don’t Leave Me Leave Me by Pink. Wait, that’s next week. No doubt she always wished to be the center of attention, as she is today, with all of us gathered to celebrate this marriage to bring the Benignis, together with her hotdog weenies served on grilled paninis, a result of Barning well with tar-makers on Mt. Isgar where Mike resides with his Frodo hands. It’s all about Mike after all.
Actually, I’d rather make tonight about Grandma Laura and all those the Christmases she’d polish off of a bottle of wine or two with me and Cynde, all in celebration that my older sister, Cynde, took Mike off the hands of Fred, Paul, Tim, and her. Those bottles of wine were a relief: Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike Mike.
Ah, but truth be told, tonight is really about Nikki and Adamo and their tremendous love for a dog named Rocko. Unfortunately, Rocko, I’m not skilled enough to do the voice as well as they do, but I can say Rocko sent me a note to read “Awwww, look at mommy and daddy tying the knot without me…it’s about time, too. I can’t wait to lick their faces with my dog spit and snuggle in their laps when they get home.”
Another truth be told, this is my 52-year of life slowly moving toward year 53, and one thing is for sure. We’re a hugging family…a loving family as Casey taught Chitunga…and with these hugs and love comes the fast pace of any and all news traveling fast. Cynde, Casey, my mom, and Nikki talk two or three times a day, when they aren’t sending one another texts. This means that when my father farts in the garage and it sets off Ring cameras, I get messages in stereo that I need to come to Syracuse right away to clean out their refrigerator. I mean, news moves really fast.
Yes, hugs and love are what it’s about. And weird senses of humor, I suppose, which brings me to Adamo, the poor bloke taking on Nikki Nikki Nikki Nikki Nikki, until death does him part. Best of luck with this one. You see, Adamo won me over…not because of his ugly sweaters worn at Christmas, or the fact he’s not gotten Mike’s cell phone until today, I believe, but because of a particular party game we played on Mt. Pleasant in Connecticut during a summer visit. The teams were Nikki & Adamo, Cynde & Mike, and me & Abu. Cynde and Mike cheated, of course, and Abu and I were holding our own, until Adamo showed up with a skill set of talents that blew us all away.
For this reason, I thought it would be fun for everyone to see just how talented he is and how well Nikki and Adamo perform as a couple, and this is why I’m asking them to stand up and move to the dance floor, so I can throw a couple of questions their way to really get this party started.
· #239 – Tell each other how much you love each other in your best Rocko voice
· #49- Sing out the names of at least four people at your wedding as if you’re performing a musical
· #1 – Sit on someone’s lap and yell five things you want for Christmas
· #246 – Pretend your sumo wrestlers getting ready to fight – best performer wins.
· #192 – Act like your driving on a road with numerous potholes while to keep a scalding hot cup of coffee from falling on your lap.
· #157 – You’re in a High Speed Motorcycle Chase, But You’re both Sloths – Best Performance wins.
· #116, not a stretch I suppose (sorry Dylan, this is for them). Pretend you are a T-Rex with T-Rex hands and pick something up.
· And finally, #3 Give each other a high five and a kiss as if your entire body has been novocained.
And this, ladies and gentlemen, is exactly why I knew Adamo would fit in just fine.
Actually, on behalf of our family, we open our arms to the Benignis and their family to celebrate Mike’s daughter Nikki. It’s about the two of them….and now Adamo.
And now that Adamo and Mike have each other’s cell phone….the rest is history.
So, here’s to family: the whacky, crazy, chaotic, yet loving ways we have one another’s backs. I think it might be a good opportunity for all of us to join Nikki and Adamo for at least one song….
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